


my shitty poetry collection

by StarWarsFreak19



Category: Original Work
Genre: America, Autism, Clone Rights, Depression, Dysphoria, Equality, Eye Contact, Gender Dysphoria, Kinda, LGBTQ Themes, Love, Panic Attacks, Poetry, Politics, Pronouns, Real Life, Shaving, War, but like super vague, friends - Freeform, happy tears, i get poetic when its late, idk what quote, im likterally about to pass out from exhaistion, motivation, my friends ARE my family, one of them is based on a quote, real friend, references to mando'a, the clones deserved more, true story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:15:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25195273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarWarsFreak19/pseuds/StarWarsFreak19
Summary: a collection of my shitty poetry. i get poetic when its late
Kudos: 1





	1. A Hero

**Author's Note:**

> i will be typing most of these on an old kindle thats a piece of bantha shit. sorry for any typos

mando'a has no word for hero

maybe there really are no heroes

mando'a has a word for not being a hero

im no ones hero

im just that annkoying person

the carry on luggage

all i want is to change the world

that would be enough

not a herro

just someone who can make the world brighter

but i can never be a hero

not because theres no such thing

but because im not worthy

ill sit here

and try my best 

to not not be a hero


	2. one word

one word

one word that would make no difference to somsone else

can make me

feel

whole

its like a weight lifting off my shoulders

like my heart is happy

and im weightless

and the first smile in weeks is plastered on my face

but the true feeling is indescribable

they make me feel real

like im not fake

and even though those other words make me happy some days

on others 

all they cause

is pain

when i asked my mother to use different words for the first time

she did

for about five minutes

then claimed

that changing them

would be

too

hard

she never gave it a chance

she gave up

she doesnt know the freedom

the struggles

how one word can make it more bearable

how it can show me she cares

she didnt give me a chance to explain

that it was okay if she accidentally used the wrong word

that not calling me her daugter on some days

would make me feel whole

and with all the dysphoria

just recognizing tht i am nott a girl

that

would

be

enough

for

me


	3. Panic

though it was

7 years ago

i still remember it

so clearly

i dont remember what it was about

all i remember was it was at 1 in the morning

my dad trying his best to help

and the panic

that night was the worst panic attack i can remember

i couldnt breathe

yet i was breathing

i was breathing so fast 

too fast

my head was spinning

it was all blurry

the tears were falling

sobs choking me

i wasnt sure what was happening

nothing of this scale had ever occured before

my mom said i was hyperventilating

that is an awful feeling

choking for breath

but finding none

air all around me

within reach but out of grasp

i was always calmed by rocking

until i was ten my mom would rock me in the chair

it calmed me

itt made me happy

my dad trying desperately to calm me

to soothe my choked screams

holding me tight

a clming squish

i remember wantng to curl up

and at the same time thrash out

i was so scared

too young to know what happened

i cant remember before

i cant remember after

just the panic

and having no control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i do have panic attacks still but nothing rivals this. its very scary and it will stick with you. kudos to my dad who was dealing wiith an autistic 7 year old having a panic attak at 1 in the morning


	4. the boys who deserved more

the clones have mixed feelings about the war

without it they wouldnt exist

but they deserved more

so much more

people to remember their sacrifices

like no one in the stories does

people to remember them as men

and not as numbers

people to remember them as loyal frieends

and not as the soldiers who betrayed the jedi

people who see thrm as equals 

and not as garbage

i wish i could spend hours

and days

remembering them all

i wish that wvery night 

i could recite each name

but that would take me till dawn

so i

with everyone else in my fandom

remember them

the boys who were forced into war

mistreated

given numbers

KILLED if they werent perfect

laid down their lives for no reason in the long run

treated as droids

built to kill their friends

while being mind controlled

who were SLAVES 

in all but name

the boys who deserved more

and i would spend my whole life

remembering them

my heart breaking at every unnamed vod

but there will never be enugh time

to remember

all the millions

of 

the

boys

who

deserved

more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vod is a mando'a term. it is a gender neutral word for sibling, meaning brother sister or nibling (non binary sibling)


	5. eye contact

she says

look me in the eyes

but she doesnt know

she doesnt understand

that i cant

i feel uncomfortable

i feel unsafe

in that connection

i cant concentrate

for my mind is screaming

when you say

look me in the eyes


	6. friends

i feel more comfortable with my friends 

than my family

my family is great and all 

but i feel a closer bond

to my friends

my friends are a zero taboo zone

and theyre open to whatever you feel 

what you believe

whatever you look like

as long as you respect everyone

theres no threat

of being kicked out

with them i can be open about my religion

my gender

my sexuality

my disability

my dirty mind

my fangirl nature

my cussing tendency 

because they dont care

and they support you

no

matter

what

but with my family

theres a constant taboo

a risk

because they dont understand

and they will care

and punish you

not a physical punishment

but taking away social life

or books

or drawing supplies

once i mentioned my religious beliefs to my dad

not that i followed them

but the concept in general

and his words will haunt me forever

just the two words 'thats stupid'

i mwntioned in chapter 2

about my gender

that they dont even try to respect it

that they dont give a shit about what i feel

just whats easiest for them 

when i want to change my hair

they claim im copying my friends

when i just want to feel better about myself

if i were to make a joke 

or snicker or laugh

because of my dirty mind

i cant even imagine how theyd react

if i make any indication of cussing

my family freaks out

and my mom willl yell at me

and all thats bottled up will eventually burst

i cant talk about my fandoms with them

they say no one else does it

no one else makes those sounds

or rolls across the floor

i get yelled at for crying

i feel like its wrong to fell this way

that im myself with my friends

and fake with my family

and when my mom says family comes first

does she know my friends are my family

a family that makes me feel welcome

and real and not my blood family

a family that makes me feel fake

and mandalorians say family is more than blood

and i understand that now

aliit ori'shya tal'din

family is more than blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know how lucky i am to have my friends. i love meeting new people, though i will NEVER start conversations. come chat in the comments or on tumblr (@starwarsfreak19) i love chatting and we can be friends if you need friends. i love yall!!!


	7. Get up

I am a broken being

Falling endlessly to the ground

But I will get up, stand up

Because the world shouldn’t have to pick me up itself


	8. Panic: Part 2

The world spins

And I struggle to breathe

On the floor

In the dark

On my side

Arms wrapped around myself

I know one thing:

I am not lying


	9. Fanfiction, Autism and Depression

A difference in routine

To try to get me to sleep

Causes more stress

I can feel it sinking down

The tears running down

And I don’t know what to do with my life

It brings happiness

To the end of a day of sorrows

Brings smiles

Im deprived of in this hard time

And though it may not seem that way

I can confidently say

That it does not good but harm

And brings me to a state of alarm

So don’t change it for me

Dont take away the one thing

Keeping me here

Keeping me strong 


	10. A Void

Without theirs voices, it’s so eerily quiet

I can hear every little thing

Cant find happiness in their world

It leaves me in a void


	11. footsteps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cw: very political but not in a hate way

politically, i identify as purple

im not red

im not blue

but now i am labeled as blue

i used to not care about politics

they had little impact on my life

just a boring adult conversation

now i care about politics

with my basic human rights being sacrificed

i support the man

who makes plans

to save them

as much as i hate to admit

i used to judge

people for being red

because all reds were assholes to me

until her

it was when i got into a debate obline

about how trump wasnt fighting for my rights

and somehow

she slapped me to reality

how much more politics can affect someone

and cause loss

for her overworked father

in an endless cycle of work and sleep

barely keeping

their home

their family farm

that a tax raise would take from them

unfortunately we cant find that happy medium

because people wont admit to any faults

and claim their opinion is perfect

and to hate all those against it

why cant the people on top

listgen to those below

whose desperate cry for a voice

leads them to violence

why cant the others below listen too

despite tfhe rift

we are all the same

we are all americans

and weve gotten through worse

we need to set an example

an example for the world

to follow in our footsteps


	12. war

if one person could walk a path

and bring with them a whole nation

be first to lay their weapons down

it would be the words salvation

if the whole world could follow in the footstedps

of the person who was brave enough to lead

and the world would be free

free of war

because the moment the first drop of blood hits the ground

is the momentf everyone loses


	13. faith

somwtimes i lose faith in myself

sometimes it makes me hate myself

then someone

inknowingly

restores yhat faith

sometimes its a simple thanks

or an i needed that

or that im an inspiration

and sometimes

a talented person tells me

i gave them the motivation

to keep sharing their content

and i break down

because

thats what i want my life to be

to be the person

who keeps someone going

because thats what keeps me going


	14. Fly and Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IF YOURE TRIGGERED BY SELF HARM READ BELOW IF NOT FEEL FREE TO SKIP
> 
> This fic doesnt include the topic of self harm, though was written in a way that could be interpreted as it until the last stanza. please skip if you think this might trigger you. otherwise, read with caution

pain

i could feel it

physical pain

though i shouldnt be able 

to feel it physically

it feels wrong

my skin feels wrong on my body

and i have to make it stop

i cant stop

when i go

into the tunnel of intent

and cant see out the sides

i can feel my heart beating

beating hard

as i pause to think 

before the need takes over

i hold the blade near my skin

and with a deep breath 

turn it on

and the pain lessens

the constant ebbing 

gone for a time

as the few stands of hair

fall to the floor

i apologize. my kindle doesnt format notes for some reason. this is not self harm. i am cutting pieces of hair due to intense gender dysphoria. i am getting it cut in a week though. just wanted to clear that up. 

if you are self harming or have tgought aboutf it, please get professional help if you can. if not, talk to someone you trfust.


	15. Lonely

their happiness causes me pain

it reminds me

how much i wish to have

what they do

their every kiss

makes me wish

a phantom one 

be placed on my lips

reminds me how lonely i am

longing for someone

to love

and yet i keep searching 

though it hurts me inside

fills me with need

i cannot describe

someone to make me whole

who will love me for who i am

a far fetched wish

that maybe i could have a chance

and darkness of the room around me

crashes back in

reming me once again

how bad i want a girlfriend


	16. Crosby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so i went to a cat cafe today and they brought in new kittens. he was the shiest but he really liked me. im literally in trars as i write this. i wish i could adopt him.

just a shy kitten

stole my heart

left me in tears

i want him to be happy

but i want him to be happy with me

i feel like we bonded

he was the sweetest

but my mom said no cats

i still remember his pretty eyes

and his soft fur

and i wish

that he could be mine

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for readng. kudos and comments are always appreciated.


End file.
